A little bit of history....

So to figure out how you ended up the way you did...you gotta look at the history!

I'm one of eight kids...actually I'm lucky number seven, though I never really felt very "lucky" as I moved through life.  I was very, very shy; referred to as "chunky", had few friends and even less self esteem.
I was good in school tho and kudos to the teachers who recognized something in me...but that's another story...
History...
Basically, I would say that we grew up poor. There wasn't a lot of money and therefore not a lot food.  To this day if I see canned (or stewed) tomatoes in boiled macaroni, I'll start to gag! It was served all the time and there was nothing else...that was it!
Memory: We ate well when the out of town relatives came though. A little extra money splurged on food and extended family. Interesting eh?
Memory: I was never taught moderation--in anything and definately not in eating. Get it while it's there becuz you don't know when, or if, it'll ever resurface!!
Memory: When I was a kid...we had the milkman come and deliver milk and cheese... The milkman would deliever right to the door and run a tab. That worked well in our house because mom never drove a car and the tab--well it allowed us stuff that we otherwise would not have had.
I remember the family getting these HUGE blocks of  cheddar cheese.  As a kid I didn't care for the taste of cheese...it sorta stuck in my throat...wish I could say the same now! Anyways, though I wasn't overly fond of the stuff, I learned how to make mac and cheese from scratch....still a fave to this day!  Little did I realize how much I was being set up for problems in the future.  It was filling,  and tasty but not overly nuitrious (oh...just feels like a warm blanket being put around your shoulder making everything ok...soo good).  I am now a cheese addict and actually crave it! I've gone cold turkey before and ran away from it but mysteriously it finds its way back onto my plate.  Sneaky, sneaky cheese!!!
Memory: My mom baked bread almost every other day.  I didn't appreciate that as a kid because all I wanted was Wonder Bread! I'd go to school with bread that was cut too thick and filled with either catsup or brown sugar....There was no wonderful ham and veggie sandwiches for us....nope, school lunches basically sucked and never really got much better.
So now as an adult...I don't want Wonder Bread but have developed a taste for all kinds of freshly baked breads....ahhhh, there's that hug again....not good.
Memory: I remember watching my brother chow down on Chinese Food once....he was older and working so had his own money to spend.
He'd bought the meal himself and brought it home to eat.
The smell was so devine and yet it was forbidden becuz it wasn't mine.
I'd sit very still and pretend not to even notice that anything was different. Sometimes I'd be offered the leftovers and gobble them up quickly before he'd change his mind or someone else would come along and want some too. 
Thinking of those incidences now really pisses me off because I know that they had a profound impact on me. I don't know if I consciencely made any decisions to not allow this to continue to happen in my life but it was definately a catalyst to making sure that I could eat what I wanted, when I wanted and at whatever cost. (that's huge for me to recognize this at this point in life....I hadn't really given it much thought otherwise.)
That lack of control as a little girl continued thru to my adult life as I'd heartily gobbled up any (and all) goodies...quickly to make sure they weren't taken away.
It's very sad really.
Memory: When I was old enough to start babysitting I didn't spend my money on make-up or hair accessories...I spent it on food.  I clearly remember buying Kraft Dinner (do you see a theme happening with the white pasta?); and anything else that would have been considered a "treat" (McDonald's was a big one too)...I made sure that I always got first dibs and if anything was left then a sibling could have it or perhaps I'd save it for later--but it was under my control. A kid should not be spending their money on food like this...so unhealthy and I realize all this now as I begin this journey.
Memory: I was feeling really good one day (about five years ago)...I felt pretty and together...happy. I was wearing a new skirt--I asked by friend with whom I was driving with on the way to lunch...So...does this skirt make me look fat?  Yikes...perhaps a bit of a set up...not too smart. My friend said to me ...well you are fat.
Hahaha:-( ...yay...let's go for lunch--I ate everything on the menu! So much for a feel good sorta day! She has no idea to this day how her words affected me that day--and even now.  I guess I shouldn't have asked the question:-(
A little more history...
I have really, really lousy genes!!
You name it...my immediate family (we're talking brothers, sisters and parents...not distant cousins!) is prone to it....let's look at the list:

• Diabetes
• Heart Disease
• Cancer (all kinds including Breast)
• High blood pressure
• Aesteoporosis
• ALS
• High Cholestoral
• and obesity to a degree...not all but some. (me for sure).

So...at this point I'm still pretty healthy.  I do take meds for High Blood Pressure and Cholestorol and have them both under control.  I can tell myself (and perhaps try and justify it a bit...) that these problems are genetic but they are also real and a reflection of my current life style of poor eating addictions and lack of a regular exercise regime.

I have a feeling that I will be building some new memories and leaving the old ones in the dust.  I have so many memories that involve food. I'll share them when pertinent but also want to try and heal that little girl who needs love and direction as a 47 year old woman.